Some very close friends of ours are super close to getting engaged, and I couldn't be happier for them. Watching them go through all those learning moments that couples go through once you decide something is forever has been so interesting to see me. They are just discovering what it means to be a couple and the roles that each much play.
The other day, my female friend and I started talking about it really means to be married. Should it be an equal partnership? 70/30? 80/20? Does the bread winner become the de facto decision maker? Is the money his, her or ours? My friend and I both agreed that no one really knows the right answer. It all depends, but the most important thing is for both people to agree on what's right for them.
For some couples coming to that agreement is easy, and luckily for Adam and I it did. My husband and I both agree that for us, marriage is about being equals in everything. (Other than laundry, but I blame Adam's mom and his grandma for that one. Thanks Kristy!). I could never be with someone who had a husband that just made decisions and I just had to go along with them. I was raised by too strong of a single mother to ever be a doormat. At that the same time though, I have to also be willing to listen when he wants something different than I do. For me this a constant struggle, but I still try to listen and talk (sometimes loudly) things out.
An outsider may look at our relationship and think that we spend way too much time loudly talking out our differences to ever be happy, but that is not right. Adam have come to a place in our relationship where at any given moment we know exactly how the other one feels, and we also know that no matter how pissed the other may be, neither of us is going anywhere. Before we got married, Adam and I both agreed that no matter what, we would never get divorced simply because we know first hand how hard that is on entire family.
To us, marriage is not temporary or optional. We chose each other and now we have to live with it. Adam and I got married young, but I love him more everyday. What works for us, may not work for every one.
My advice to my friends is this: find the balance that works for you two, talk to each other and just know that every fight is temporary.
Too many people take the easy, selfish way out not even thinking about how badly it affects not just them but their kids and families. Abbie and I have our struggles, more so than we should, but we aren't going anywhere either.
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