It's okay to have favorites right?

This past weekend, I made a pilgrimage to my homeland to attend my oldest nephews fifth birthday party. This was a true sign of my love for the kid, because the instant I cross the city limits of McPherson, KS, I feel the sudden urge to pop a xany and turn the hell around.

As much as I hate to admit it though, the real reason for my visit was to see my other nephew; the one that I have nicknamed Favorite. I love my oldest nephew, but I just never really felt a connection with him. With Favorite though, it was love at first sight. Just look at him, he is adorable.  His personality is very similar to mine, and even at 18 months, he reminds me a lot of me.

My sister knows that Favorite is my favorite because I do a pretty awful job of hiding it. I know it bothers her, but should I have to apologize for feeling closer to him than my older nephew? I have a favorite sweater and no one begrudges me for liking it more than the others. I have a favorite sports team and no one tells me that is not okay. I have my favorite shoes, and no one holds that against me.  I know this logic is flawed; little boys are not the same as these things However, knowing something and applying that knowledge are two very different actions.  

Will I have the same issue with my own children? Will I struggle to connect with one and in turn favor the other? I hope not, but I definitely cannot guarantee it.  Among other aspects of parenthood, this in particular scares me. I am terrified that my inability to be fair will eternally fuck up one or all of my future children.

Luckily, I have my nephews. Because of them, I have been able to identify this behavior in myself. The problem is that I do not know how to rectify it.  Do I ignore Favorite and focus on the other one to make up for the blatant favoritism of past? Or do I start tabula rasa with both of them? I don't think either of these is the right step. Honestly, the first step is admitting I have problem, and hopefully I can figure out a solution from there.