So you're saying I have to choose?

I was raised by a strong single mother, who most definitely did not have it all. She worked two jobs everyday to make sure that my sister and I would have it all. She struggled every month to make the rent, so that my sister and I would have it all. She instilled in us the power to be strong women, so that my sister and I would have it all.  Even today, she prays everyday that my sister and I have it all, because we still don't, and neither do any of the other women that I know.

This past week, a former CEO of Lehman Brother published an op-ed about how she regrets her choice of career and that the modern women who has it all doesn't exist. I hate to admit, but I kind of agree with her.  Although, I have not had the booming success she has, I see my future self reflected in her words.  As a 26 year old married, middle-class, white, college-educated women, I feel like now is the moment where I must decide what is important. Is it family or career, professional or mother, wife or boss? Whatever choice I make now, I am terrified that I will only live to regret it.

Even though the Gloria Steinhams and Betty Friedans of generations past fought so hard for my generation to be able to have it all, to be a mother and a working women, to have a family and a career, to support ourselves and our children all while having a happy, healthy home life,  that ideal does not exist. It is not fair, but it is reality.  I feel guilty just thinking that, not only accepting it,  accepting that I have to make a choice.

My mother did not have a choice, she worked because she had to. My sister chose to stay home, and she loves it, but I know she struggles to make it financially at times.  My friend Jessica chose to work and she loves her career, but I know her color-coded calendar rules her life.  These are three of the strongest women I know. They all manage to make their lives work without having it all, but I wonder if they could have it all would they want it?

I do want it all, but I don't think I can have it, at least not in the traditional sense. I think that I don't need to choose career or mom.  I need to choose what kind of career and what kind of mom. If I work, I need to be okay with not hand making every valentine my kid takes to school. If I have kids, I need to be okay not being the CEO that works until 7. Whatever I choose, I need to be okay with not being perfect.

I still haven't decided what I want, or what my idea of having it all is, and probably never will.  I just need to figure out how to be happy without. My mom worked so hard for my sister and I to be strong women, and I know she wants me to have the success in the world. I can only hope that she understands that my sister's choice, my choice, and our ability to be able to choose only shows what great job she did raising us.