So it has been a year....

I know it has been a while, a long while, since I posted, but I have been feeling nostalgic tonight.

In the the 18 months since I started this, my life has changed so much. I was a lost post-grad girl in search of a purpose, in search of a reason, in search of inspiration, in search of anything. Today, I am a woman who no is longer lost; I found my purpose, my reason, my inspiration, my everything and she is only 11 weeks old.

Sometimes I look at her, and I can't catch my breath. She is counting on me to show her right from wrong, the importance of compassion, independence, love, the whole world, and it scares the crap out of me.  What if I miss something? What if I don't know all the answers? What if she ends up in therapy bemoaning the horrible job I did? I live in a constant state of self-doubt. At the same time though, I look at her and I can't catch my breath because I am overwhelmed by pure joy.

I had no idea what it is love to someone so wholly, so completely, so unconditionally. She makes me reflect on my relationship with my own mom. My mom who loves me so wholly, so completely,  and so unconditionally.  I appreciate her more, I give her more credit, and I respect her more.  Now, I understand why she made us her world and sacrificed so much for my siblings and I, because I would do the same for my daughter.

Before I had her, I constantly second guessed my choice to stay home. I knew that leaving work for a few years could potentially set me back professionally.  I was worried about the sacrifices my husband would have to make. I did not want anyone to be disappointed in me for wasting my degree. The minute I saw her though, I knew that none of that mattered to me anymore. All that matters now is that I never miss a smile; I never miss a tear,  I never I never miss a moment.  I love my husband even more for all that does  to give me this opportunity.

I thought I loved him before as much as I could but I was wrong. Seeing my husband with our daughter changed that love. I used to love him for the way he held my hand and kissed my forehead now I love him for the way he holds her hand and kisses her forehead. His dedication to her and her well-being mean more to me than he will ever know. He would give anything just to see her happy, and that makes me happy.

My life is so different. My marriage is so different.  My attitude is so different. Nothing is the same as it was when I started this blog, and that is how it should be. I have grown and changed all because of someone who is only 11 weeks old.


P.S. Because I know the only people that read that whole thing are my mom and sister. Here are a few pictures of her in all her glory.

So you're saying I have to choose?

I was raised by a strong single mother, who most definitely did not have it all. She worked two jobs everyday to make sure that my sister and I would have it all. She struggled every month to make the rent, so that my sister and I would have it all. She instilled in us the power to be strong women, so that my sister and I would have it all.  Even today, she prays everyday that my sister and I have it all, because we still don't, and neither do any of the other women that I know.

This past week, a former CEO of Lehman Brother published an op-ed about how she regrets her choice of career and that the modern women who has it all doesn't exist. I hate to admit, but I kind of agree with her.  Although, I have not had the booming success she has, I see my future self reflected in her words.  As a 26 year old married, middle-class, white, college-educated women, I feel like now is the moment where I must decide what is important. Is it family or career, professional or mother, wife or boss? Whatever choice I make now, I am terrified that I will only live to regret it.

Even though the Gloria Steinhams and Betty Friedans of generations past fought so hard for my generation to be able to have it all, to be a mother and a working women, to have a family and a career, to support ourselves and our children all while having a happy, healthy home life,  that ideal does not exist. It is not fair, but it is reality.  I feel guilty just thinking that, not only accepting it,  accepting that I have to make a choice.

My mother did not have a choice, she worked because she had to. My sister chose to stay home, and she loves it, but I know she struggles to make it financially at times.  My friend Jessica chose to work and she loves her career, but I know her color-coded calendar rules her life.  These are three of the strongest women I know. They all manage to make their lives work without having it all, but I wonder if they could have it all would they want it?

I do want it all, but I don't think I can have it, at least not in the traditional sense. I think that I don't need to choose career or mom.  I need to choose what kind of career and what kind of mom. If I work, I need to be okay with not hand making every valentine my kid takes to school. If I have kids, I need to be okay not being the CEO that works until 7. Whatever I choose, I need to be okay with not being perfect.

I still haven't decided what I want, or what my idea of having it all is, and probably never will.  I just need to figure out how to be happy without. My mom worked so hard for my sister and I to be strong women, and I know she wants me to have the success in the world. I can only hope that she understands that my sister's choice, my choice, and our ability to be able to choose only shows what great job she did raising us.

7 quick takes numero tres

1. Rest assured, I was able to commandeer my television on Sunday night. Adam and his friend Andy even watched most of the Oscar telecast with me. Adam was just happy because I told him to bridge jump with J-Law, and I was right. My favorite moment of the night though was not even a part of telecast. It was the J-Law interview in the press room after she won.  If you didn't already love her after being Katniss, you will after watching this youtube.

2. A made cookies today to take a friend today, and I think that I ate more than actually ended up in the tupperware to take to her. Don't worry I will spare you the instagram of them.

3. Adam broke his phone, so he has been subjected to using this sweet baby that was given to us by family friend.

Just kidding the phone that he is using predates this one even I think. Don't bother texting him, or plan to receive this in response: "xfjklwhjhat thjipup?"

4. I went to a movie alone today, and it was great. I actually enjoy myself as a movie date more than anyone else. Don't quite no what they says about me or more future as a recluse, but I know that I am good at making it look perfectly normal.  It is a learned art attending a movie solo. The trick is too wait until right before the movie starts before sneaking in, wave to anyone in the back row, sit in the same row as said person and then when the movie is over be the first one the out the door.

5. Dude was given an awesome homemade haircut yesterday. I have decided that I should work just so Adam will let me take him to a real groomer. I love Dude too much to even post his picture right now, but trust me it is bad.

6. My Keurig broke, and I took it as a sign that I should quit coffee cold turkey. I have been at Starbucks by nine everyday this week. 

7.   I desperately need to make a Costco run for Dude food but I am dreading going there on a Saturday.  He can survive on bread, lunch meat and treats til Monday right?

Okay so maybe Adam was right...just don't tell him

After spending about six months at home, I have come to the realization that until we have a baby I NEED TO WORK. Let me repeat myself I NEED TO WORK. Although this idea has been stuck in the back of my head for quite sometime, it finally really hit home when I caught myself getting annoyed that Dude would not respond to my questions regarding who really is A on Pretty Little Liars. 

 It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I was sitting on my couch talking to my poodle about a television show, a television that has a target demo of 12. When I was pregnant, I felt like it was kismet. My life was finally lining up the way that it should.  I was going to be a cool stay home mom who worked part-time at gym, but plans have changed. I either have to adapt, or turn this blog into Tuesdays with Poodle. Now, I just sort of feel stuck and that maybe I should have thought the whole quarterlife crisis thing through. 

I was just reading  this blog about finding your dream job and made me real think about what I really want.  Do I want to a trainer, work in HR, or get my masters? No, I want to be a mom. That is all plain and simple. Feminism be damned. I just want a fucking baby.  The one job I want is the one job that just feels so unattainable right now. In my head I know that it will happen someday, but what I am supposed to do in the meantime? 

It's okay to have favorites right?

This past weekend, I made a pilgrimage to my homeland to attend my oldest nephews fifth birthday party. This was a true sign of my love for the kid, because the instant I cross the city limits of McPherson, KS, I feel the sudden urge to pop a xany and turn the hell around.

As much as I hate to admit it though, the real reason for my visit was to see my other nephew; the one that I have nicknamed Favorite. I love my oldest nephew, but I just never really felt a connection with him. With Favorite though, it was love at first sight. Just look at him, he is adorable.  His personality is very similar to mine, and even at 18 months, he reminds me a lot of me.

My sister knows that Favorite is my favorite because I do a pretty awful job of hiding it. I know it bothers her, but should I have to apologize for feeling closer to him than my older nephew? I have a favorite sweater and no one begrudges me for liking it more than the others. I have a favorite sports team and no one tells me that is not okay. I have my favorite shoes, and no one holds that against me.  I know this logic is flawed; little boys are not the same as these things However, knowing something and applying that knowledge are two very different actions.  

Will I have the same issue with my own children? Will I struggle to connect with one and in turn favor the other? I hope not, but I definitely cannot guarantee it.  Among other aspects of parenthood, this in particular scares me. I am terrified that my inability to be fair will eternally fuck up one or all of my future children.

Luckily, I have my nephews. Because of them, I have been able to identify this behavior in myself. The problem is that I do not know how to rectify it.  Do I ignore Favorite and focus on the other one to make up for the blatant favoritism of past? Or do I start tabula rasa with both of them? I don't think either of these is the right step. Honestly, the first step is admitting I have problem, and hopefully I can figure out a solution from there.

7 Quick Takes

1. I finally felt like I had enough energy to work out this week, and it was not pretty.  I barely made it 30 minutes on the elliptical before I felt like I would die, and I was more sore the next day than I care to admit.

2. In case you didn't look at Facebook (or outside) it snowed yesterday. Unlike most dogs, Prince Dude refuses to set foot outside if there is any possibility of discomfort. Adam forced him to go out, but he just stood on the back deck looking pathetic before Adam finally let him back in the house. So far he has refused to go out for almost 20 hours. The snow isn't supposed to melt til next week, so Dude is in for a long weekend.

3. Adam hasn't worked because of the storm, and I cannot take another day of Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith first thing in the morning (or all day long). I hate ESPN and all of its incarnations. If Adam continues to bogart the remote, I may drug him and drag him to the crew facility myself.

4. I tried watching Downton Abbey this week on Netflix, and I just don't get it. To be honest, it bored me. Why does everyone love this show again?

5. I am pretty angry that Adam doesn't have very much money on his online gambling site, because I love me some Oscar prop bets. My biggest prediction, Jennifer Lawrence will win, but Bradley will go home empty-handed. Gambling addiction aside, I am actually one of those dorks that watches all five hours of Oscar coverage and I cannot wait til Sunday night.

6. Since I have not been able to watch anything on television lately, I have been spending a lot of time on Buzzfeed. Yesterday, I ran across this gem, and it made me really want to start a Myspace resurgence, because my internet footprint would so much better with some Jackson (Micheal or Janet) playing in the background.

7.  Adam deactivated his Facebook, so we are no longer Facebook married. I am very anxious to know how this will affect us. It isn't official until it is on Facebook, so am I still real life married still? Does it work in reverse? Do people think that I am that pathetic person that is "in a relationship" but in reality is a single cat-lady?  Look for more updates on this in the future.

Yes, I read trash, but who doesn't have a vice?

I have really been struggling the last few weeks to have any motivation to do, well, anything. This laziness has led to me reread a lot of books in my Nook library. I wish that I could say that I have been reading Fitzgerald and Hemingway, but sadly I have not been able to stomach anything that resembles actual literature. Besides how could I possibly read a story about a pregnant lady that dies shortly after a stillbirth or a novel about a bunch of spoiled rich people who can't get their shit together?  Rather this is a more accurate sampling of what I have been reading (save the snickering Ryan Laird):

Book snobbery aside, I realize that this list is awful. I accept that none of the last ten books that I have read offer any kind literary presence. I understand that most of these are written for preteen girls. I recognize that the plots are simple and predictable. I admit that I am little embarrassed by this list. However, I also know that all of these books are entertaining, and mind numbing, and that is exactly what I wanted them to be. I am really sad right now, and if I can escape into a world of youthful innocence, I am going to do it.

Despite what the above listing may imply, I am actually pretty well read, and I can usually have an intelligent conversation about literature. Over the holidays, I found myself in a great discussion with two of my friends who are also really well read. One of which is a total book snob. He loves to make fun of my choice to read Twilight over Augie March or that I actually hate Steinbeck.  Which is fine because the joke is actually on him.  He reads because he wants to learn, which whatever I learned enough college. I read because I want to escape, whether it be into the world of 1920s with Fitzgerald or into a post-apocalyptic North America with Collins, and I refuse to apologize for it.